Fri 15.01.2021 Armchair Commando . com
for topical application only
rooftop salutation
Here's a strategy for which we are awaiting the result.

In our sleepy western mountain town, we have a problem with developers building on the ridge-tops. In the foothills this means private drives cut out of the mountainside, winding eventually to the unsightly boxes sitting astride the top. The practice presents a number of environmental consequences, and it defaces everyone's mountain view.

They ruined out view. They are cursed roundly and with regularity. They ruined our view! What can we do about it? Is there a way do the same thing to them?!

I don't mean wait for someone else to build on a ridgetop higher. They don't have a mountain view to marr. Their view is of the city. Was there a way to mess with that? Perhaps there was.

We climbed a nearby foothill to see what kind of view they might have looking back at us. We took pictures of the city and noted which rooftops featured most predominantly in their view. Again, also the closest.

Next we contacted each of those residences with our plan. "We'd like to spell out a greeting to the offending assholes up the hill." The assholes who were marring their view of the mountains. We needed their roof to help us out. What did we want to spell out? That would be up to everyone who agreed to take part. (Not true. We had an idea for a message.)

Nearly everyone was in. We had to compensate for several houses whose owners were not around. A couple houses were rentals, but it was agreed that the landlords needn't know. The writing method on the roof would be inobtrusive. White gravel, or on the steeper slopes, whit paint. Really you could not see the roofs from the street. Most were flat, or the sloped side faced the mountain.

We had made contingency routes along the rooftops so in the end we even had to turn down certain houses. With the alternate routing we had the fourteen houses we needed.

We made a committee decision as to what to say. Actually we had an idea from the start: we would spell out HELLO ASSHOLES! At first we had planned for just ASSHOLES! But then one might wonder if we meant to be referring to ourselves. So we quickly shifted to add five roofs to prefix a HELLO.

Now someone with an ego who'd build a ridge-top home might enjoy that kind of attention, even the personalized greeting. But we figured it'd get old having to explain it to every guest who was checking out their view. "What a magnificent view of the city!" "But what is that?"

That's what we're still waiting to see. One developer's wife has already left town. Maybe it was something intra-marital, maybe she was weary of the open antagonism she felt every time she came down to shop. Her husband's hubrus.

No one's complained about the rooftop obscenity from down here. They can't see it.

We're the only county in this state which does not forbid building on the ridge-tops. That has to be changed.

The other strategy we are trying is to cut off the builder's access to our fire department. By removing their contract for fire suppression services, the developers will not be able to insure their constructions. We are trying to raise the funds necessary to augment the fire department revenue for the lost contract.

So we wait. Meanwhile we tell them at every sun-up: HELLO ASSHOLES!

Picture coming soon.